I Dream..

I dream of summer drizzles and a great life ahead;
I know, i know - up in the clouds, is my head.

I dream of hugs and kisses, and entwined hands;
of shared little smiles and golden bands.

I dream of eternal life for my cherished ones -
a life full of bliss where the seconds seem like months.

I dream of life and how it has been -
of what it coulda, woulda or shoulda been.

I dream of just living a happy, simple life.
Of becoming a great daughter and a wonderful wife.

I used to dream of greatness and of fame.
Of the material things, and all the money I would tame.

But just now I had quite a bit of realization
I know, to some, it's just a normal revelation.

Everything has an end but dreams live on.
I say, it may seem like the sunset, but I'm still at my dawn.


-------------

A big WALA LANG poem. I just felt like writing. Kinakalawang na eh.

To 2009

I can't put into words how I feel about you, but this is what it feels like.
Goodbye, 2009.

Mosquito's Valse

have you ever seen mosquitoes dance?
atop a young man's head, they dance around.

they whirl and twirl around in sync,
in time with Tchaik's Valse.

they looked so lovely that i forgot
that they have caused these itch and rash.

a surprising thing what these bloodsuckers can do.
They can seem so graceful and lovely, too.

but still, i reach out and crush them.
and i see my own blood on my palms.

Pain

a voice is screaming inside of me.
screaming for things that ought to be.
some words unsaid and things not done,
some of the reasons why i can't move on.

as time pass by, some feelings I still hide
and the hurt grows deeper and darker inside.
minutes turn to hours and hours into days
so many things coming together in different ways.

hot fire and sharp thorns tear at my heart
burning, hurting, and tearing me apart.
at times I feel such rage and bitterness
for this life and the pains that seem so endless.

i lose the desire to live and to go on.
some hope and faith already left and gone.
all of what's left are quite lost,
because of some things of the past.

where are the friends who ought to be there?
where are the people who, I thought, will care?
where is the love, the joy, the bliss?
why are there only problems that never cease?

life, it seems, has left me alone and weak
so weak, that I cannot even speak
but are there really ears willing to listen,
so that this pain i feel will lessen.

all have different lives and things to tend to
different things to think about and things to do.
will there ever be anyone who'll care enough to ask
ask about the girl hiding inside the mask.

even with the tears inside,
facing the world with a big smile.
hiding the hurt and the pain all together.
the mask i wear is getting heavier.

how i wish for this misery to end.
i pray to God for some grace to send.
send me some angel in this lonely earth
for i am losing hope with all these hurt.

Thirteen Months

our eyes meet.
a smile is shared.
from this point on
in love, we are ensnared.

it wasn't just at a sight
and such time it took
to be where we are now -
The Past. Back then - we are to look.

We were friends, the best of one another.
But still, we are, and much more.
I do not need to find more definition
for Love - to which I dedicate

- these thirteen lines for our thirteen months.

---------------------------------------

A rose, a movie and Bellini's..

Happy Monthsary.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.
-Pascal

And I Thought

living my life
as i have always lived,
i almost thought
that i have been freed.

- freed from the sorrows
that kept me in the dark,
tore my soul
- bound my heart.

i am now freed
- i thought,
from the frightening depths
in which i have been caught.

i sought release
from the dreary night
i sought the sun
that would return my sight.

i thought that i have cleared
the deep crevices of my mind
from the dark shadows that reigned.
but still, I am resigned.

i resigned myself to the fact
that i would always be bound
to this depth i have never known
- this love that is so profound.

before i sought freedom,
but i now know
that i do not seek release
- Anymore.

i desired to gain release
and the freedom i thought i attained.
but what is its purpose now?
my lost sight is now regained.

so i thought i am now free
and indeed, i thought right.
i am truly freed
- from a miserable life.

Shadowed Violinist

a self portrait.
cellphone picture, edited in Photoshop CS3.

Model Kitty

My li'l model kitty! It's just too bad that she didn't survive long after this picture was taken.

Let Me Say Goodbye

let me say goodbye, for i won't see my love for a time
my heart shall bleed with want, and my soul shall tear in sorrow.
the days seem longer and the wind grows ever colder.

i seek for his presence though he doesn't seek mine.
i thought i have let go of him. still,
a wish echoes. in the depths of my soul

his presence, still in the walls of my mind.
- a mere echo but it is still there. Echoing.
causing happiness yet pain - such feeling of sweet suffering.

i wish to be let go of, yet i do not want to let go.
to forget.
to move on.

i am still filled with yearning and longing to feel his love.
but i cannot have him for his heart is not mine
so let me say goodbye though this heart will never say goodbye.


2010 notes:
Done when Ralph left for AYO last 2006.

interlude

..
With half-closed eyes I write this down
with a tired mind and a little frown.
But as I go on, remembering the day,
it's not really bad - it's just quite gray.
..
Black and white combined makes gray
and that's just how I describe the day
So now, without so much as a frown,
with half-open eyes I write this down.

..

(C) 2006

The Misty Window

I.

One fine day, I stopped in front of a house without knowing why...

It is a house with walls of the palest cream and windows of the simplest oak. Although it may seem ordinary, something is driving me towards it. It is this certain window whose glass panes are misty. Yes, it does seem very strange for it is a clear and sunny day. I approached slowly and cautiously as though I might see something quite unusual through the window.

A girl—that’s all there is inside the room through that certain window. There she is, in the middle of her bed, reading a book. She looks quite young, probably in her late teens, but her face has the sweetness of a little girl. It would have been quite ordinary if it weren’t for the tears running down her cheeks. Oh, I couldn’t see her profile which was turned a bit away from the window, but there are tears – streaming down the contour of her face and falling down the red cover of the book she had just finished reading. No, I don’t think it is the book she is crying about, not unless she is as feeble as a child who would cry at the story of Little Red Riding Hood. It made me wonder why though, of all the books in her shelf, she would pick this one to cry on.

I pondered on a lot of things about the girl I saw as I slowly walked away from her window and from the house. Something about her stroke a chord in me and the grief she radiated was simply overwhelming, and so I tried to recall the story of the Little Red Riding Hood.


II.

I find myself stopping in front of that same house again. Almost everything is the same although the weather isn’t. There are thick and heavy clouds rolling in the sky, covering most of the light of the sun. Once more, I feel the strange pull of the window, and I approach it without so much hesitation.

The girl is still sitting on her bed holding the red book. She is just staring at the wall opposite her bed – staring as though a TV is there and she is watching her favorite movie. But, no, her favorite movie isn’t on… there’s no TV… it’s just an ordinary wall. Suddenly, as my attention went back to her, I realized tears were flowing down her face yet again. There is something uncomfortably eerie with the way she is crying so silently while her eyes are fixed on the wall


I watched her as she cried; not giving a care about the time that had passed by. Something just pulled me and left me standing there, watching the girl as she cried. Slowly, she laid down the red book by her side and silently sat on the edge of her bed. As though she was sitting on fire, she suddenly stood up and ran to her bath, slamming the door shut. I am left here, wondering why all of a sudden she ran as though her life depended on it.

The sky is quickly turning gray, and little drops of rain are falling down. I wanted to move, to run, but I feel rooted to the spot - transfixed on something which other people would not find special.

Then everything went black.


III.

I open my eyes and the rain is already falling very hard, and I’m standing out here, dripping wet, not knowing how long I’ve been here or why I’m even here. I’m in front of the house again but I can just feel like there’s something wrong. In search of the comfort of familiarity, I instinctively ran to the misty window that doesn’t look out of place anymore in this weather.There I see the same girl… facing the window with her face half-eaten by shadows, sitting, no… slumped… to the wall, on the floor by her bed. The next thing I saw shocked me to the core. She limply tries to lay down her arm, and it, instead, drops to her side exposing a hand covered in blood. Blood as deeply red as the book she read—blood which is still flowing from the fresh cut on her wrist.

I told myself to move and call for help. Doesn’t anyone know what’s going on here?! My mind is screaming mad with commands to my body but my limbs are frozen. All I can hear are the deep thuds of my heart as I try to grasp what lay before me. Lightning came and flooded the room with light and I suddenly realize… that the girl was looking at me in the eyes. I gasped as I saw her face, her eyes – that blank look. It's all too familiar. Thunder crashed and as sudden as the sound rang in my ear, I felt a surge of excruciating pain in my chest – a pain that is a combination of certain emotions. I felt it radiate and seep into my hands. Fear, anger, hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness – they are only a part of what I'm feeling. It’s too familiar, these emotions. It’s as though they were there before and I have only neglected about them. I look up; glancing at the girl, but something else caught my attention - the glass of the window and my reflection.

I stared at my reflection and saw my face and burst into tears. I wept as loud and as long as the mother kneeling on the doorway and the wail of the siren in the unseen distance.


IV.

Someone is weeping – crying the genuine tears of a shaken child as though it is capable of realizing that the world is coming to an end… as if it can understand emotions as though there is no more hope and that there is only pain left in the world. On and on it goes, and it wouldn’t stop. I opened my eyes and I realized that it's me.

It was me. I looked around and everything is covered in blood and tears stained with crimson are flowing down my face and I am still on my bed. When I saw my reflection, everything went back to me. All those problems, the pain, the depression, and, yes, the sad ending of it all.

But then again, this is isn’t the end is it? Or maybe it is. I don’t know how and I am unable to stop the flow of tears and the sense of grief in my breath. The blood is still pooling all around me. I’m on my bed, sitting down, staring at the red book.

I stand up and I feel the tingle of weakness in every single part of what’s left of me. Slowly, I walk up to the window. It looked bright and beautiful outside, but I was stuck here. The door reflected blood all over it, and the window will always be misty through my eyes.

The house is already empty. I do not know how long it has been – an eternity, maybe. But who cares? I’m all alone in this world.

-Fine-
---------------------------------

Ralph

Remembering the time when i first saw you
never fails to bring my heart in a flurry of happiness
- and a deliver a smile on my face too.
Oh, such feeling of delight and gladness!
--
Alive - It's what I feel whenever it's you i see
and I just can't help but try to get close to you
'cause being with you brings so much happiness to me.
Is it too much to hope that you feel the same way too?
--
Life without you would seem dull and gray
and so, my lonely heart will keep on seeking
for the one who makes my life happy and gay
- and can make my life so fulfilling.
--
Praying to God that you're someone for me.
Asking for guidance if what i'm feeling is good
- and if God means it to be.
For, if it's not His will, this love i shall elude.
--
Hoping and imploring, my soul is feeling
love and happiness, but fear and apprehension too.
Afraid of pain, my soul is asking:
'Why am i feeling this? Why do i love you?'

Beyond Words

You're my friend and yes, it's true
that there's no one other than you
to break the walls in my heart
and give my life quite a start.

Our bond of friendship is not that strong
that's because we haven't known each other long
But you taught me things I'd have never known
and wouldn't have figured out on my own.

But why does this hurt so much -
this feeling that came to me in a rush
you, being more than a friend, is what I see,
and that, I know, should not be.

Two separate worlds from where we came
Meeting each other, to fate I blame
'Cos such a thing I'm feeling right now,
to deal with it, I don't know how.

When you have troubles, to me you turn
and in my eyes, the tears will burn
because I know that I'll always do
anything and everything you ask me to

It's hurting me, do you not know
that what I'm feeling has become such a blow
to my life that was once lonely and cold
and knew no love 'cos it's only for the bold.

So I gave everything and I did my best
to change myself, and that became a test.
A test for me if I know what's inside -
inside of myself that I can never hide.

So I changed myself and -grow up- I tried,
but then I felt that a part of me has died.
My soul feels like it has been torn apart
as though I have been shot at the heart.

It hurts so much and I try to forget
this thing I feel but do not regret.
But as I think about what I should do,
it reminds me more that what I'm feeling is true.

Now listen to this so I can get over with.
Good or bad, I know not what kind of deed.
But on doing this, I may find peace -
so just one last thing, pay attention to this:

"I love you" is what I wish to say -
but words are not enough to keep this feeling at bay.
But I know that there's no other thing to do
'cos I know, though it hurts, I'll always love you.

(c) 2004, revised until 2006

Letting Go

Remembering the time when we're together
In a love, I thought, will last forever
But then there came a day
When you had to go away

I watched your back as you leave
Wondering how I can ever live
Without you and your love that's so real
Do you even know how I feel?

I think of you every now and then
Wondering when I will see you again
Do you know that I can't live without you?
Do you feel the same way as I do?

So many questions enter my mind
and I just feel so left behind.
So lost and confused I still live on
just wishing that you've never gone

But then there are other things to be done
than wonder what might have been if you haven't gone.
Realizing that you're not here anymore -
as you have already gone through that door.

Letting go is a hard thing to do
and it just gets harder as I think it through.
But still, I should let you go and move on
and let the feelings in my heart be gone.

So, farewell to you my friend and love.
I'll just leave all to the heavens above.
whatever might happen, I just don't know.
But here's the thing - I'm letting you go.

(c) 2004